08 March 2005

Skilled?

07:30 Tuesday 8 March 2005, home: Skilled?

This is my first attempt at posting to my weblog by e-mail. Being sceptical about anything much going right at present, I am merely sending the e-mail from the laptop that I am borrowing. However, if this process works, I shall try composing and sending an e-mail directly from my cellphone. It would give me some innocent/infantile satisfaction to post to my weblog from the car while held up in a traffic jam. It occurs to me, too, that I could browse my weblog from me cellphone. I am so slow to arrive at what is so obvious.
As I sit here furiously typing away before dashing from the house in order to arrive just on time at the workplace that will soon no longer be my workplace, I am feeling deeply touched that, in response to my earlier posting, Saije has expressed concern. There is, for me, something most strange about a stranger making a relational/emotional connection. Of course, this is what I do in my job: as a counsellor, I make relational/emotional connections with lots of strangers. However, I am rarely a recipient of this process. I feel supported by the experience.
In terms of work, a job perhaps, I feel as lost as ever. Working as a counsellor, knowing that I am at least passably good at what I do, I find counselling a fulfilling activity. I know that I am good at making relationships with strangers that are therapeutic for them. However, outside the counselling room, in the cold light of economic reality, what good is that skill? It may well be a skill transferable to other jobs and activities, but only in the context of those activities, such as social work, careers advice, youth engagement work
I know that I have some familiarity with computers. However, I cannot, in all truth, extend "familiarity" to "competence", not in terms of the job market. The truth is, outside the counselling (and counselling training) room, I am no more qualified, skilled or able than John Doe and Joe Soap. Therefore, unless I can find a counselling job, I shall be thrown to the lions of supermarkets and telephone call centres - not an appealing prospect.

07 March 2005

Is this free-fall?

7 March 2005: Is this free-fall?

Last Thursday (3 March 2005) I realised that I shall be out of work at the end of the month, with no identifiable prospects. Until then, I had not grasped that my work, counselling for the City of Sunderland, was over. Whilst I knew last year that the work I have been doing for the past four years would put out to tender, I was told not to worry, that I would be looked after. I had understood that the work was to be restructured. I knew in January 2005 that details of the tender were to be made available in mid- to late February 2005, and was told that the apprehension I expressed was misplaced. I was prepared for less favourable conditions. However, looking at the tender details for the first time last Thursday evening, I saw that the tender is geared solely towards medium and large businesses to supply the workers, and not towards sole traders. I am now extremely worried. I have not one shred of hope of being able to complete the documentation: the level of complexity is way beyond anything imaginable. On reflection, it feels as though I have been strung along for month after month. I should have been looking for alternative work. If only I had known. I feel bitterly disappointed, and betrayed by people I trusted. To whom do I look now? Where do I turn? How can I find work? I have a family and a mortgage. I need an income, a living, but do not know how to start the process of finding suitable work. I feel as though my confidence and competence have been drained from me. I feel disempowered. As I woke this morning, I knew immediately and instinctively that I am in danger of sinking into a depression. To be precise, it feels like I am in the process of stumbling over the edge of a cliff. Everything is in slow motion. The solid ground on which I was standing is now moving away. I am falling into a void. "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts. We shall encounter some turbulence as we enter free fall."

05 March 2005


Singel in Springtime. I took several photographs of the Singel canal behind the hotel in which we were staying on Spui. I loved the intensity of the colours; the sense that Spring had just crept in overnight, under the cover of darkness; and the stillness of the scene, which is reflected in the stillness of the water. Posted by Hello

Kroller Muller sculpture garden near Apeldoorn. The Kroller Muller museum at Hoghe Velouw [check spelling] near Apeldoorn in the eastern Netherlands, is one of the most rewarding art galleries and sculpture gardens I have ever visited. In particular, the gallery houses a substantial collection of works of art by Vincent van Gogh in which it is possible to experience van Gogh's compassion, his exuberance and his ability that I have always taken for granted when viewing his most famous works of art displayed in various national galleries. The Kroller Muller has other collections too, including sculptural works by such artists as Giacometti, as well as staging exhibitions. The scupture garden is both important and a delight to walk round (including with a camera!). Unmissable. Posted by Hello

Springtime at Keukenhof Gardens. I first heard about this World Heritage Site when most of my family of origin visited it early in the 1970s. I had thought that it would be just a load of flowering bulbs. It is, in fact, one of the most beautiful places in the world in Springtime, and I am a richer person for having visited. Posted by Hello

Hyacinths at Keukenhof Gardens. There is too much to photograph at Keukenhof Gardens. The sumptuousness of these hyacinths, their fleshy substantialness, and the saturated blue of the flowers makes it nearly possible to drink their sweet, floral perfume. Posted by Hello

04 March 2005

Weighty issues concerning food

4 March 2005: Weighty issues concerning food

Since the start of February I have been trying to reduce my body weight. The issue of weight reduction, so simply expressed, is complicated by a raft of personal and social issues. Preparedness to reduce my weight is dependent on my willingness to admit that I am overweight. Attempting to lose weight requires me to make some lifestyle changes, such as no longer drinking alcohol. Shedding weight is not considered a manly concern: it is not what blokes do. In contrast, most women I know are trying to lose weight: the issue is one that is very much associated with women (Fat is a Feminist Issue). All the same, it would be hard to describe my body shape as sveldte. I would not look out of place at a pub darts match - come to think of it, I have played in pub darts matches! Less wittily, I receive verbal comments and insults on a daily basis regarding my body shape, frequently shouted after me by, although by no means exclusively, young people. I have been physically assaulted in a mild but unpleasant manner twice because of the challenge felt by strangers regarding my body shape: "When's it due?" each asked (15 months apart) while poking me in the stomach. I witness much non-verbal behaviour towards me that indicates the discomfort that some people feel in my presence. I could ignore the abuse and the discomfort of other people, but that would seem both a little dishonest (a pretence would be more accurate), and also a wasted opportunity to invigorate my motivation to lose some weight. Happily, or perhaps sadly, there were more objective criteria as well. With a Body Mass Index of 28, I was closer to the 'obese' portion of 'overweight' than to the 'normal' portion. It was not even that I had pigged out over Christmas and the so-called 'festive season': I was simply slowly though inexorably gaining weight. My blood pressure was consistently high, with a diastolic oscillating between the high nineties and the low teenies, and frequently in the naughties. I believed that, were I to weigh less, my blood pressure would reduce. I was feeling tired quite a lot of the time, making it hard to concentrate on my work. As a response, I tended to use strong coffee to keep me alert during the day, and alcohol in the evening to counteract the stimulant effects of the coffee. I was hoping that a reduction in my weight would give me back some of my natural energy. On Monday 1 February 2005 I weighed myself several times, arriving at a weight somewhere between 94.5 kg and 95 kg. The bathroom scales are not best known for their precision, or even their accuracy. A clutch of readings, averaged, seemed more likely to produce a fair result. It may also be true that, if one is attempting to measure in units of 100g, then a mug of tea and a slice of toast are likely to affect the reading. On Sunday 14 February 2005 I weighed 91.5 kg. On Wednesday 2 March 2005 I weighed 87.9 kg. My body weight has dropped. According to some website I found concerning BMI and other measures of obesity, the BMI of 53% of men my age in the US is higher than mine. Moreover, the same website confidently asserts that social perception would give my ideal weight for my height as 82 kg. I have my doubts. I have three target weights: a) 82 kg - for my height, this weight would give me a BMI that is on the boundary between 'normal' and 'overweight', and I wish this to become a future ceiling; b) 73 kg - this would put my BMI in the middle of 'normal'; c) 63 kg - for my height, this weight would give me a BMI that is on the boundary between 'normal' and 'underweight', and would give me back my 18 year old body shape. I have a long way to go in reducing my weight. I am hoping that there is a good correlation between my weight and my body shape, so I shall no longer be exposed to the taunts and sniggers of total strangers. I know that to appear trimmer I must exercise my tummy muscles. The trouble is that I avoid vigorous tummy exercise because my hiatus hernia objects to it painfully. My supposed diet largely consists of a great deal of fruit, the absence of alcohol, much less starch and slightly smaller portions. I have been trying to walk further and more often as my preferred means of exercise. I started February with a ten day detox: some detox medicine from Tesco's and an abstinence from coffee, the latter of which I have continued. However, in all, my diet does not amount to much. I have a nagging sense of guilt that the diet is not more demanding ("If it isn't hurting, it isn't working.") The thing is, though, it is working. Lots of people have commented on their perception that I have lost weight. Good. Long may my weight loss continue, for I have yet many more kilos to lose.

02 March 2005

Welcome back

2 March 2005: Welcome back

Of course I have experienced withdrawal symptoms. It wasn't my fault. Honestly, it wasn't my fault. On Wednesday 16 February 2005, my laptop's hard drive chewed itself into pieces and ascended into hard drive heaven. I am without a credible means of access to the internet. I have paid two arms and three legs to have any uncompromised data from the remaining shards of the deceased hard drive of my now-Golem-like laptop dumped onto DVDs that I cannot read because my laptop requires a hard drive in order to boot up. At present, I can only hope that there is data on the DVDs to be read. I can barely wait to be up and running again with my own computer. The current hiatus does not mean that my writing digits have been idle. I have been writing letters. I am enjoying hand-writing letters. Having taken the plunge to install a wi-fi card on my daughter's low-spec and ponderous laptop, I am now also able to resume writing this weblog. Normal service will not be resumed for several weeks, but it will be better than listening to static - "CQ, CQ, come in."