07 March 2005

Is this free-fall?

Last Thursday (3 March 2005) I realised that I shall be out of work at the end of the month, with no identifiable prospects. Until then, I had not grasped that my work, counselling for the City of Sunderland, was over. Whilst I knew last year that the work I have been doing for the past four years would put out to tender, I was told not to worry, that I would be looked after. I had understood that the work was to be restructured. I knew in January 2005 that details of the tender were to be made available in mid- to late February 2005, and was told that the apprehension I expressed was misplaced. I was prepared for less favourable conditions. However, looking at the tender details for the first time last Thursday evening, I saw that the tender is geared solely towards medium and large businesses to supply the workers, and not towards sole traders. I am now extremely worried. I have not one shred of hope of being able to complete the documentation: the level of complexity is way beyond anything imaginable.

On reflection, it feels as though I have been strung along for month after month. I should have been looking for alternative work. If only I had known. I feel bitterly disappointed, and betrayed by people I trusted.

To whom do I look now? Where do I turn? How can I find work? I have a family and a mortgage. I need an income, a living, but do not know how to start the process of finding suitable work. I feel as though my confidence and competence have been drained from me. I feel disempowered.

As I woke this morning, I knew immediately and instinctively that I am in danger of sinking into a depression. To be precise, it feels like I am in the process of stumbling over the edge of a cliff. Everything is in slow motion. The solid ground on which I was standing is now moving away. I am falling into a void. "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts. We shall encounter some turbulence as we enter free fall."


Saije said...

Something will come together, you know that. I mean, you were looking for a job when you found the one you have now, right? Don't get discouraged. I won't give you a lot of tripe about how maybe this was supposed to happen and there's something better for you out there but it has happened and there is something better for you, it's up to you to find it. Hope this doesn't sound too harsh, it's meant to be encouraging.

Lora said...

What a horrible way to feel. I understand and I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.

Sometimes the most conscious people are caught off guard easily, because they trust that other people are as up front as they are themselves. But I'm sure you are much better prepared to find a new job then you feel you are. So keep the faith, everything will work out.